Earlier this month, at the WorldVenture regional conference for Europe, a couple of colleagues and I gave a workshop on the following topic: Discipling Third Culture Kids. I said “yes” really quickly (probably too quickly), but I enjoyed the preparation phase of reading books and just processing so many things with the others. In working with TCK’s, whether as a teacher in the classroom or a chaplain engaging them with spiritual questions, the goal has always been one of discipleship. I want my own life to more closely mirror that of Jesus Christ, and I desire that as well for the lives of my TCK students. So after some back-and-forth, our team settled on 5 Principles we wanted to unpack.
See and Shepherd the Whole Story.
It feels like TCK’s live an “ampersand” life, a term adopted from Lauren Wells. They get to experience unique joys, such as being bilingual, navigating historical cities, celebrating multiple holidays, and belonging to multicultural communities. & the hard can be deeply formative, such as losing friends and homes at a young age, feeling misunderstood in both their passport and host cultures, living amid visible poverty or political instability, and even carrying an unspoken pressure to be flexible or strong or resilient. The majority of TCK’s, once they’ve reached adulthood, overwhelmingly say they wouldn’t trade their childhood away for anything (something like 96%), but in a discipleship relationship, it’s still important for the adult to invite a younger TCK to share both the joy & the hard.
Model Emotional Honesty and Grace.
If Principle 1 is about seeing the whole story, Principle 2 is about responding to it. Many TCK’s possess a highly developed ability to adapt; such an external skill of conformity often masks an internal world of questions, doubts, and unnamed emotions. Some keep it hidden due to the pressure to remain steady and mature; others have later admitted they pulled back the cover to reveal some kind of emotion and felt misunderstood. If the goal of discipleship is to walk with someone in a Godward direction, then we need to model what it looks like to take our emotions to our Maker. To not just name them, but to feel them and allow Jesus to enter into the ampersand life. He gets it, but are we as adults in their lives giving them permission to express things honestly and be met with grace?
Normalize Transition, Grief, and Lament.
TCK’s tend to experience 4-8 major moves before the age of 18, compared to 0-2 of most monocultural peers. Transition is part of the regular rhythm of the TCK life, generally not an interruption or even a mistake. While some are minor and some are life-shattering, each one will be accompanied by a measure of grief. And grief isn’t weakness, rather it is love expressing itself in the pain of loss. Over and over in Scripture we see the model (to connect to Principle 2) of lament, and it’s a gift we can give our TCK’s to teach them to bring their grief to God who sees and cares. Transition is at the core of the gospel story after all.
Prioritize Presence over Performance.
It’s not unique to the TCK heart to want to be in someone’s presence rather than to be their project. We all get that. However, given the reality of Principle 3 and the life of transition and loss that many TCK’s will live, one temptation they face is to give in to the “Tyranny of Shoulds,” a phrase adopted from Michele Phoenix. These are those unrealistic expectations many face simply because their parents serve and represent God in a way or culture that makes them stick out. When kids give in to these pressures to be extra mature or spiritual or “holy,” they tend to draw away from God rather than toward him. In discipling TCK’s, the heart of Principle 4 is to worry less about the behavior they’re exhibiting and meet them instead with the steadfast, unconditional love of their Father, who simply wants to be with them.
Anchor Identity in Christ amid Shifting Belonging.
It’s hard to talk about TCK’s and not touch on the notion of belonging because to belong someone gives a person not just roots, but identity. And identity is a key part of discipleship. Being known, loved, and wanted without the need to perform is a core desire I dare to say every human carries. Thus, an adult who has a voice in the life of a TCK has the opportunity to reinforce the truth of Ephesians 2 over and over again: your belonging is not tied to a country or culture, but to a person - to Jesus Christ. And through him, you get to belong to his family as well, the most beautiful multicultural group there ever was.
So there you have it, a cliff notes version of our workshop. We forgot to have anyone take a picture of us giving it. So instead, here I am just hours after giving it, ready to ring in 2026 with some other WorldVenture friends:
