Jesus in the Both And

So January just happened. I’m hunched over with my hands on my knees because it felt like one sprint after the other, a whiplash of glory and grit, a seesaw of delight and despair. We cheered in ecstasy at the one-point victory over a team ranked above us, and then moaned a week later when 20% of our student body were sick in bed. The impending need of a triple bypass surgery for one I love dearly reached me in the middle of Spiritual Emphasis week when hearts were being changed. There came the news that several babies will draw their first breaths in 2026, even as three souls drew their last this month, one only 6 years old.

I want to simultaneously shout for joy from the top of Freiburg's Schlossbergturm and have a good cry in a therapist’s office, run a marathon and curl up in a corner and sleep for a week. It’s not a surprise to me that life is full of these juxtapositions - brokenness and wholeness, life and death, spiritual oppression and kingdom beauty - it’s just that both have been so intense this month. This ampersand life we are called to is no joke. Making it to February has only been possible through the new-every-morning, matchless-grace-giving kind of strength that comes from a God who cares for his children deeply.

But isn’t that every month? It’s just that sometimes I see my need and his provision more clearly than others. Sometimes my racing heart and sore emotions make me look over at the bench, pleading with Coach Jesus, “Do you see that I’m tired? A little help here, please!” My utter dependency doesn’t grow in that case; I just see it for what it is: reality that has always been.

As I hiked above Freiburg today, I was struck anew by Jesus’ tears with Mary and Martha outside Lazarus’ tomb. He knew they were going to be reunited imminently, and he still wept. I know one day I will meet the two Owens who left earth this January again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t weep in the now. Tears and laughter. Hope and despondency. Jesus and more Jesus. I wouldn’t want any other life.

Jan 31: hiking above Freiburg